Conflict at Work: How to Negotiate Without Getting Burned
A workplace conflict can quickly turn into a nightmare if you don’t ask yourself the right questions: What do you really want to achieve? Who actually has decision-making power? And how do you present your arguments without losing your temper? Here’s my method to turn a disagreement into a winning strategy.
Last night, at 10:30 p.m., my Parisian friend Nina called me to talk about the conflict at work with her boss. Her voice was trembling, somewhere between Greek tragedy and stand-up comedy: “It’s war. My boss wants to impose his crappy schedule, and if I don’t fight back, it’s going to be hell… What do you think I should do?”
I whispered a quick “breathe” before she even finished her sentence.
Indeed, managing a conflict at work is not something you can improvise. The strategy I suggested draws both on SFBT (solution-focused approach) and my field experience. The idea? Pinpoint what really matters, figure out who holds the actual power, and prepare your actions without getting lost in shouting matches or frustration. And so began an impromptu coaching session.
1. Start with the clarity filter: Is it really important?
Before going to battle, I asked her:
— What’s really at stake here, Nina?
And together we unpacked it:
- Major issue: Does this schedule directly affect your work, your image, or your working conditions? If yes, then silence is not an option.
- Minor issue: But if it’s just a clumsy organization or a matter of pride (yes, she too has “quite a temper”), then you can state your point calmly without pushing too hard. If it works, great. If not, it will go unnoticed.
Nina hesitated and then admitted:
— Honestly, if this schedule goes through as is, I’ll have weeks with zero resources. I won’t be able to move forward properly, and later he’ll blame me for the delays.
— Okay, then it’s clear: the issue is real. You’re not doing this for your ego; you’re protecting your work and avoiding becoming the scapegoat.
2. Identify the right lever: Who actually makes the decision?
— Tell me, Nina, is it really your boss who has the final say on scheduling?
She sighed:
— Sometimes yes, but not always. Occasionally, his own boss makes the call, but he’s the one who passes down the instructions.
— In that case, tread carefully. If your direct manager is just the messenger, don’t antagonize him. Frame your arguments in a way that makes him look good, too. He needs to feel that backing your point will also boost his image with the real decision-maker.
In other words: don’t attack the messenger—equip him so it’s in his interest to carry your case upward.
3. Show up with proposals, not just refusals
Nina was about to explode:
— But his schedule sucks! He leaves me with three weeks of no staff, then dumps everyone on me all at once. How am I supposed to manage?
I reined her in:
— Instead of just saying “this won’t work,” prepare concrete alternatives.
For example:
- Current plan (imposed by the boss): erratic staff allocation → weeks without a team, followed by overload.
- Nina’s alternative: smooth out staff allocation to maintain continuity and avoid wasted time in training and coordination.
- Another option: at least secure one steady team member during low periods, even if it means a slight overload later.
And to avoid direct confrontation, I suggested she turn her “no” into open-ended questions:
- “What do you see as the top priority in this schedule: hitting deadlines or optimizing resources?”
- “Could we imagine keeping at least one person on standby during the gaps?”
- “How do you see this allocation impacting the team’s objectives?”
In short, the goal is to open a discussion. Sometimes the other person reveals a constraint or even a solution you hadn’t thought of.
4. Don’t forget timing
Then I slipped in:
— By the way, Nina, do you know when to bring this up? Even the best arguments fall flat if you bring them up at the wrong time.
— Great! So now I’m supposed to read his moods too?
— Exactly. If your boss is rushed, exhausted, or already at war with someone else, don’t insist. Postpone. Pick a time when he’s more available, relaxed, or open to solutions.
Half annoyed, half amused, she replied:
— So basically, I wait until he’s eaten and had his coffee… In other words, I’m negotiating with a Gremlin.
— Exactly. And you know what happens if you feed a Gremlin at the wrong time?
— …Oh, horror!
5. Always have a plan B
Already anxious, Nina added:
— And what if nothing changes tomorrow?
So I prepped her for scenario B:
- Accept temporarily, so you don’t waste energy on a pointless clash.
- Come back later, better prepared, with concrete evidence of how the schedule caused delays, wasted time, or demotivated the team.
- Pick a more strategic moment, like during a progress review when the consequences are undeniable.
The golden rule: never walk away from a disagreement as the loser. Even if you don’t win right away, you keep control of the game and plant a seed for the future.
Conflict at Work: How to Negotiate Without Getting Burned
Before stepping into the room, check these boxes:
The real issue: is this vital or just uncomfortable?
Concrete objective: what exactly do I want to achieve? (resources, adjustment, recognition…)
Emotional objective: how do I want to leave the room? (calm, heard, credible)
The decision-maker: who really has the final say? Is my boss the decision-maker or just the go-between?
The proposals: what pragmatic alternatives can I put on the table?
The questions: which ones open the dialogue instead of shutting it down?
The timing: is this the right moment for the conversation?
The plan B: what’s my fallback if it gets stuck? (wait it out, come back later, escalate smartly).
In short: stay clear-headed, bring solutions, and keep your cool.
Epilogue
The next day, 6:42 p.m., I get a message from Nina:
— So, verdict: I survived. No drama, no blood on the walls. I asked my questions, I proposed my options, and guess what… he said he’d “think about it.” Corporate translation: I didn’t win, but I scored some points. And honestly, that alone was worth it.
A second message followed:
— And you know what? I realized I didn’t need to yell to be heard because I had my cards ready. So thanks for the crisis hotline. Tomorrow I’ll call you earlier, promise. (Well… unless I fall apart again 😅).
