Dealing With an Angry Boss: Psychological Levers That Cool Down the Situation
Anger, tension, hostility: knowing how to defuse these situations — especially when dealing with an explosive manager — without betraying yourself is a strategic skill. Here’s how to take back control and turn conflict into opportunity.
Maïa walked into my office as if she had just crossed an emotional cyclone: reddened eyes, trembling voice, a blend of anger, fear, and pure disgust.
Her manager had once again scolded her for leaving early and arriving late. These were not frivolous issues. They involved a sick mother, unpredictable medical appointments, and even an emergency vet detour for a cat with more ailments than a Russian novel.
The Mechanics of an Emotional Downward Spiral
Her manager wouldn’t hear a word. There was not an ounce of nuance, not a trace of understanding. When, for the fourth time in a month, Maïa warned that she would be arriving late, her manager shot back: “In that case, don’t bother coming back after your appointment.”
Instantly, Maïa tipped into a mix of panic, anger, and frustration. She wanted to flee, scream, and explain herself all at once.
Regaining Calm to Reclaim Control
Before doing anything, I reminded her she first needed to breathe. A few minutes are sometimes enough to restore a bit of order in the inner chaos. We spent five minutes practicing cardiac coherence together. It is a simple exercise where you synchronize breath and heart rate to soothe the nervous system. This helps recover a steadier presence.
Once the tension eased, we could finally consider concrete steps to regain footing without feeding the conflict.
Laying Out the Facts
I asked her: “Are these remarks completely unfair, or is there a part of truth in them?”
Maïa admitted what needed to be admitted: yes, her absences came at a bad time. They could disrupt the team’s workflow. But it wasn’t her fault — the circumstances were beyond her control.
I pushed a bit further: “Do you think your manager might be worried about operational continuity or feel that her authority is being undermined?” Maïa reluctantly admitted that it was possible.
That was our starting point to build a clear strategy: acknowledging what should be acknowledged while standing firm in her position.
Defusing Conflict Through Subtle Recognition
Before thinking about how to respond, she needed to ask her manager for a meeting in her office, somewhere calm and conducive to conversation. This would set the stage for a safer moment, one in which real dialogue could take place.
Using the ‘Backburn’ Technique to Break the Tension
I suggested a method I often use when facing hostility (justified or not). It involves inserting a “backburn” into the conversation.
A backburn is a sincere positive element — even tiny — used to interrupt the emotional spiral. The goal isn’t flattery to appease; that would backfire. You simply acknowledge something true and specific, personal enough to ease the conflict.
With a sigh, Maïa conceded that her manager was indeed good at meeting deadlines. This was a merit she had to acknowledge, even if the rest of the character could grate on the nerves.
Three Pillars for Structuring Her Response
To make her point effectively during the meeting, I invited her to follow these three steps in this order:
- Acknowledge the reality of the other person’s perspective: admit that her absences can occasionally disrupt the team’s organization, without apologizing for what is beyond her control.
- Express her personal feelings: even if she understands her manager’s reaction, Maïa can state that it feels unfair, while slipping in the backburn:
“Even though I understand your reaction, it feels unfair to me, and it’s a shame, because I genuinely admire some of your strengths — your ability to meet your objectives despite daily pressures sincerely inspires me.”
This sentence creates a slight shift in the confrontation. It expresses disagreement without aggression and highlights a real quality, opening space for a more human exchange. - Reaffirm her commitment: show her motivation, rigor, and reliability despite the constraints. This ensures her manager understands that none of these absences undermine her dependability.
This approach is highly effective, and it’s not manipulation. The recognized fact is real and expressed sincerely. Even when someone inspires nothing in us, there is always some positive aspect — sometimes tiny, almost insignificant — capable of defusing conflict.
When the Conversation Produces Unexpected Results
The next day, Maïa called me sounding relaxed, almost amused.
The conversation had had an immediate effect. Her manager, visibly remorseful, had softened, become thoughtful, almost embarrassed. She had even brought croissants for the whole team — a clumsy but sincere gesture, as if to acknowledge she had gone too far.
What This Story Reveals About Power Dynamics at Work
This reversal isn’t magical. Instead, it simply shows that a manager — or a client, a shareholder, even a mother-in-law — however rigid or awkward, can recalibrate. This happens when you introduce an element that disrupts the confrontation circuitry.
By acting with calm, clarity, and firmness, Maïa defused an imminent conflict. She also repositioned the relationship on more human ground, where vulnerability is no longer seen as a threat.
And if these dynamics echo deeper patterns in your workplace, you may appreciate this complementary guide on how to negociate without getting burned.
